Seth Miller (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
angstbucket) wrote2012-07-02 03:39 pm
angstbucket) wrote2012-07-02 03:39 pm
Entry tags:
[fic]
Rachel leaves because he said You can leave, because it'd hurt either way... if she stayed or if she went. Now he is not really sure that it- that it wouldn't have felt better if she'd stayed if only so the whole of it doesn't crash down on him with no reason for him to keep it in or to put a lid on it or to try to think about why it would be bad if it all came sinking in on him.
The problem is-
There are many problems, many problems created by the universe, created by the parents who gave birth to him, created by his own brain. One of the problems is that it all stems from his own issues which are in multitude as it is, and the issue goes back to that one same thing that is only solidified by this feeling.
By this unrequited love feeling that has been beating the shit out of his heart for years and years and years.
Sixteen hit and it was- it was one more thing. They got together, and it was one more thing, and he doesn't know how much a heart can take, which seems so stupid to think about.
The house is empty, and he's left alone with it like he was left alone with it before Rachel came over. There's just the solid knowing that telling her was a mistake, that it made her look the way that she did, that it made it ll feel the way that it feels right now.
He doesn't know how to stop it.
He doesn't know how different, separate still only feels like... not enough, like don't belong, like... This is the Path You Can't Go Down.
The one that you've seen ahead of you for so long.
Seth's drinking. His father thinks it is okay if it will help with the demon, and sometimes he wonders when he's drunk enough if there'll come a day where his father kills him too.
And he doesn't know how aware he is when he pulls out his phone and sends the text message to Noah, knowing Rachel well enough to know she'd not say a thing despite the fact that she never lies to Noah, never lies to him either.
ive had feelings for rachel for years. sorry.
Seth doesn't think he could tell someone in person again. The words would be too difficult to manage out loud, and he wouldn't be able to handle looking at someone else's face, hearing something else about how he's still Important.
The text that comes back is incredibly fast (you'd think he needed more time to process it), did you tell her?
yeah
And it is not even a second later that the next text message comes through. are you okay?
Reading it makes him throw his phone against the wall.
Part of it breaks off, and he doesn't pick it up again until he goes for another drink. There's seven more text messages where that one leaves off, and Seth leans against the wall with the phone in hand, shaking his head. "Noah, buddy," he says out in a slur. "You've gotta stop worrying about everybody else."
But what he texts back is one word.
peachy
It's many days later before he thinks about heading back outside again.
The demon is loud. His beatup heart is loud.
And he feels like an idiot because Rachel and Noah are the best people he's ever known. What does it matter if he's left behind, if eh's felt that way, if eh's not enough?
It's something to be loved by them at all.
Despite all this shit, despite all his shit.
It's something, and it's that thought that finally pushes him through the doorway of his home again, wavering where he stands, head on fire.
He's out of food, and the store has more, and he told her a long time ago that he would fight, that he's not throwing in the towel yet. And he's not.
The problem is-
There are many problems, many problems created by the universe, created by the parents who gave birth to him, created by his own brain. One of the problems is that it all stems from his own issues which are in multitude as it is, and the issue goes back to that one same thing that is only solidified by this feeling.
By this unrequited love feeling that has been beating the shit out of his heart for years and years and years.
Sixteen hit and it was- it was one more thing. They got together, and it was one more thing, and he doesn't know how much a heart can take, which seems so stupid to think about.
The house is empty, and he's left alone with it like he was left alone with it before Rachel came over. There's just the solid knowing that telling her was a mistake, that it made her look the way that she did, that it made it ll feel the way that it feels right now.
He doesn't know how to stop it.
He doesn't know how different, separate still only feels like... not enough, like don't belong, like... This is the Path You Can't Go Down.
The one that you've seen ahead of you for so long.
Seth's drinking. His father thinks it is okay if it will help with the demon, and sometimes he wonders when he's drunk enough if there'll come a day where his father kills him too.
And he doesn't know how aware he is when he pulls out his phone and sends the text message to Noah, knowing Rachel well enough to know she'd not say a thing despite the fact that she never lies to Noah, never lies to him either.
ive had feelings for rachel for years. sorry.
Seth doesn't think he could tell someone in person again. The words would be too difficult to manage out loud, and he wouldn't be able to handle looking at someone else's face, hearing something else about how he's still Important.
The text that comes back is incredibly fast (you'd think he needed more time to process it), did you tell her?
yeah
And it is not even a second later that the next text message comes through. are you okay?
Reading it makes him throw his phone against the wall.
Part of it breaks off, and he doesn't pick it up again until he goes for another drink. There's seven more text messages where that one leaves off, and Seth leans against the wall with the phone in hand, shaking his head. "Noah, buddy," he says out in a slur. "You've gotta stop worrying about everybody else."
But what he texts back is one word.
peachy
It's many days later before he thinks about heading back outside again.
The demon is loud. His beatup heart is loud.
And he feels like an idiot because Rachel and Noah are the best people he's ever known. What does it matter if he's left behind, if eh's felt that way, if eh's not enough?
It's something to be loved by them at all.
Despite all this shit, despite all his shit.
It's something, and it's that thought that finally pushes him through the doorway of his home again, wavering where he stands, head on fire.
He's out of food, and the store has more, and he told her a long time ago that he would fight, that he's not throwing in the towel yet. And he's not.